We’ve come to expect our Christmas Cracker jokes to be particularly cheesy, and I think we’d all be a little disappointed if they didn’t make us groan a little.
Here a selection of some that have appeared in our Christmas crackers over the years:

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ‘ho ho ho’!

Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low “elf” esteem!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!

What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!

christmas tree

Who delivers presents to cats?
Santa Paws!

What do you call Father Christmas in the beach?
Sandy Clause!

What did the sea Say to Santa?
Nothing! It just waved!

What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws

What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards!

What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?
Santa going through a revolving door!

Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it ‘soots’ him!

Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!

What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
Subordinate clauses!

What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!

What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!

Where does Santa go when he’s sick?
To the elf centre!

Where do elves go to dance?
Christmas Balls!

What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling?
An elfcicle!

What type of Shoes does Santa wear when he travels on a train?
Platforms!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!

What’s worse than Rudolph with a runny nose?
Frosty the snowman with a hot flush!

Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!

Why did the Rudolph cross the road?
Because he was tied to the chicken!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because he wasn’t chicken!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken’s day off!

What happened to the turkey at Christmas?
It got gobbled!

Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!

How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle

What song do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that’s deep pan, crisp and even!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!

What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful!

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross Mouse Cards!

What is the best xmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!

What is the worst disease that you get at Christmas?
Excemas!

Why do ghosts live in the fridge?
Because it’s cool!

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days!

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!

What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of?
You!

What’s the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake?
Your teeth!

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!

Where would you find chili beans?
At the north pole!

Why don’t penguins fly?
Because they’re not tall enough to be pilots!

What do sheep say at Christmas?
A Merry Christmas to Ewe!

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
Mistle-toad!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!

How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws

What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa talking backwards!

Who is Santa’s favourite singer?
Elf-is Presley!

What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!

What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!

Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!

Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!

How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle!

What song do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that’s deep pan, crisp and even!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!

What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!

What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!

What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful!

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross Mouse Cards!

What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!

What’s the most popular Christmas wine?
‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!

Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters?
They keep loosing their needles!

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
Mistle-toad!

Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?
Noël Coward!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum – you just can’t beat it!

How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?
He has Santa claws!

What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
Stick with me and we’ll go places!

Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
Because they were two deer!

What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?
The One Show!

What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker!

Why don’t you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?
Because he has private elf care!

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger!

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Because their days are numbered!